Marauder Confidential
by Moony8193
Summary: A collection of completely random oneshots about the Marauders. Quite funny if you have the right sense of humor. No main timeline at all. RR please!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Danielle and I own very little in this life. The book Harry Potter and all of its characters are not included in this very little. So, no, we don't own it.**

**What you are about to witness requires great courage, heart, and the ability not to break down crying.**

**Chapter 1: Pads and Prongs: Sleepover style**

_**What do ya wanna do Prongs?**_

_**Prongs!**_

_**Prongs!**_

_**I knew the backyard wasn't a good idea….PRONGS!**_

**Yeah Pads?**

_**I thought I lost you! I was so alone!**_

**I went to get some food!**

_**There was a scary bug and an evil squirrel and- hey- where are you going?**_

**To get more food.**

_**You just got some!**_

**Nah, my mom heard you hyperventilating and made me go check on you**

_**That brave Mrs. Potter.**_

**So what do you wanna do, Pads?**

_**I was thinking we could watch the classics all night long!**_

Oh dear God…not _Yep, MY LITTLE PONY GOES HOLLYWOOD 2_ I'm going to call Moony… _Why?_

**To see what migraine medicine he uses.**

**Hey moony.**

_Have you cracked from the pressure yet?_

**Help me….**

_Calm down…try locking yourself in the bathroom._

**Already tried.**

_And?_

**He took out a chainsaw and my mom made us sleep outside**

_Hang in their buddy, morning will come!_

_**What cha guys talking about?**_

He's everywhere moony, everywhere! 

_Hello, you've reached moony's…and prongs, this message is for you! It is your third day with Padfoot and your alive. This is probably close to your 472nd message, and I AM IN THE BATHROOM! Thank you._

**Mr. Prongs will tell you that everyone knows you go to the bathroom at 3:47 am, not 2:43. a desperate Prongs is now calling your cell phone for the 493rd time….**

after several more failed attempts to reach moony, one including a hot air balloon, Prongs submits himself to the torture of Padfoot's twisted mind…)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Do I own this? Noooo. Unfortunately. Because if I did, Sirius would definitely still be alive. But since I don't, he's dead. How sad.**

**PADFOOT'S SUREFIRE TEST THING TO PROVE YOU'RE AN IDIOT OR SOMETHING ELSE HEY IS THE TITLE STILL GOING I SHOULD PROBALLY STOP I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO YOU THINK MOONY? SORRY THIS IS PRONGS YES THE TITLE IS STILL GOING DO YOU KNOW WHERE MOONY IS? NAH HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ICE CREAM IF YOU ENDED THE TITLE OH REALLY WHAT FLAVOR? I DON"T KNOW THEN I GUESS I CAN"T STOP OK ON THE COUNT OF THREE STOP! WHY? CUZ' WE LOOK LIKE IDOTS! YOU SPELT IDIOTS WRONG! ONE…NOT HAPEENING! TWO…I HATE YOU! THREE! THREE FOUR, CLOSE THE DOOR! BANG! OW, WATCHA DO THAT FOR?**

**1.) what is your favorite color?**

**a. magenta**

**b. red **

**c. blue**

**d. green**

**e. yellow **

**f. indigo**

**g. violet**

**h. orange**

**i. pink**

**j. purple**

**k. perivinkle**

**l. oops I met periwinkle**

**m. blue green**

**n. turquoise**

**o. granny apple smith**

**p. lilac**

**q. lavender**

**r. red orange**

**s. orange red**

**t. yellow green**

**u. scarlet**

**v. silver and gold**

**w. te, that reminds me of that movie with the flying deer!**

**x. Bambi?**

**y. No, the other one- Rudolph!**

**z. Oh**

**aa. Shoot we're out of letters!**

**bb. END IT!**

**cc. None of the above**

**Answer: I'm sorry the correct answer is K**

**K? that was a mess-up!**

**I know, no one will get it right! **

**Ahhh…**

**2.) If a girl who your friend likes asks you out what do you do?**

**a. screw your friend, get the girl**

**b. I'm a little suck up named moony…hmph, I've never been on a date on my life, so I'll say no…hmph. Suck up! Wa- Heyyyyyy moony, what's crackin'?**

**c. Do a Prongs and just stalk the girl until she would never even consider asking you out**

**d. Be Wormtail. Be alive.**

**The correct answer was: A. Loyalty is for losers and suckers**

**I'm bleeding inside, Padfoot. How could you- OWWWW!**

**Now you can bleed outside too, Prongs!**

**A/N: PLEASE please review...it doesn't even have to be original. Just " I loved it" or I "It was OK" or " I didn't like it" or even " I hated it". That would be WAY cool. Of course, if you have the urge to leave a more detailed review, that would be cool too...**


	3. Marauders' Map

Disclaimer: Yeah...not mine.

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!

Silver Ice: Thanks for reviewing. I'm sure Padfoot would be very glad to hear SOMEONE agrees with him...this is not an everyday occurence. :-)

A Random Ravenclaw: Thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :-)

It all began in the dreaded History of Magic class……

Padfoot: I'm bored. Entertain me.

Prongs: That's not my problem. And, besides, my entertaining skills are like zero as of now. Ever since I tried to do an interpretive dance to try to get Lily to go out with me. My dancing skills will never be the same.

Padfoot: Well, can I sneak down to the dungeon to get some Love Potion to pour on Snape? That would GREATLY entertain me.

Moony: No, you can't.

Padfoot: Was I asking you? Nooooooo……….

Moony: Well, considering the…

(Bell rings)

Padfoot: NO! IT'S A SIGN FROM THE HEAVENS! I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT LOVE POTION THING! I'M JUST BORED BECAUSE BINNS KEEPS DRONING ON AND ON! I SWEAR ITS NOT MY FAULT!ASK ANYONE, I TELL YOU, ASK ANYONE, I'M A GOOD PERSON!

Prongs: Except your family.

Padfoot: RIGHT! EXCEPT MY FAMILY! BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT THEY HATE ME! I SWEAR ITS NOT!

Moony: Padfoot? Can I interrupt this monotonous, pointless rant to inform you that that was just the bell? And not a sign from the heavens?

Padfoot: Oh. OK. I knew that. I was just kidding. Really. I was.

Moony: If you say so….

Prongs: Can I shut the two of you up for a second?

Moony: Oh, please. If there is any method that you can possibly utilize to put an end to this pointless conversation that is debasing to my superior astuteness, I beg you to make great haste of using it.

Prongs and Padfoot: ….?

Moony: In Prongs and Padfootese, it means, " Go ahead, Prongs."

Prongs: Right. OK. I want to call an emergency meeting of the Marauders in our dormitory.

Moony: Why in our dormitory? Why can't we just use the common room?

Padfoot: Because this is top secret and possibly highly dangerous information.

Prongs: How did you know that?

Padfoot: I have my ways. One of them being that we pretty much share the same mind.

Prongs: Right, right. I should have known.

Moony: We should probably stop passing notes and get out of this classroom.

Padfoot: Why? I like this. It entertains me. I can change my writing from this to this to this to this. And on and on….

Moony: Well, unfortunately, the next class is here. Therefore, a few Ravenclaws are staring at us like we need lots and lots of help. And, oh joy, here comes the Hufflepuffs.

Padfoot: Fine, fine, let's go.

In the Dormitory

Moony: Remind me again why we have to pass notes even when we're up in our dormitory?

Prongs: Because someone might overhear. Duh.

Moony: I would REALLY like to know who wanders up to the boy's dormitory at 8:00 at night. On a Tuesday. In the middle of winter, when its completely and totally freezing up here. And just happens to pause at our 10 INCH THICK door to listen to our conversation, which will probably make no sense anyway. And I bet they also must have supersonic hearing to even catch a word of it.

Padfoot: Always be prepared. That's our motto.

Moony: I thought that was the Boy Scouts' saying.

Prongs: Well, it doesn't REALLY matter whose motto it is. The fact is, this is confidential information that should never be leaked outside of these walls. So can I please begin by making a speech?

Moony: If you have to.

Prongs: Thank you. Now, where was I?

Padfoot: You haven't started yet.

Prongs: That was for dramatic effect. You of all people should know that, Padfoot.

Padfoot: Right, sorry.

Prongs: Anyways, dearly beloved friends, we are gathered here today-

Moony: This isn't a funeral.

Prongs: FINE! I'll pick a different beginning. My dear, dear friends. Over these past few years, we have discovered everything about this castle. From where to hide to where to escape to Hogsmeade to-

Padfoot: to where to get CAKE!

Prongs: Precisely. But the point is, I do believe that we should pass down this information so fellow troublemakers will not get caught in their late night wanderings. I propose-

Padfoot: You're PROPOSING? Oh, Prongs, I always knew you would someday! I'll write Mother immediately!

Moony: Oh Merlin.

Prongs: No, no, dear Padfoot, that day still, and always will, remain in the future. I propose that we make a map!

Moony: A map won't help people not get caught. It doesn't show them anything except where to hide. And for all they know, someone might be there already.

Prongs: Thank you, Moony, for illustrating my next point. Padfoot, the lights please?

(Padfoot dims the lights, and Prongs pulls down a projector)

Prongs: Now, if you look carefully at the screen, you will notice that there are people moving on it.

Moony: Actually, little dots with names next to them.

Prongs: Well, my artistic skills leave something to be desired. ANYWAYS, as I was saying before Moony so very rudely interrupted me, I think we should make a live map.

Padfoot: It'll be ALIVE?

Prongs: NO! I'm getting a migraine.

Moony: Welcome to my world.

Prongs: So, I'm basically going to end this now. I think we should make a map that shows everything that is going on in the castle. Therefore, anyone who uses it will know who is where. And where the best place to hide is. And, finally, I'm done. Padfoot, the lights, one more time if you will.

(Padfoot turns on the lights)

Padfoot: I think it's a great idea. Let's do it!

Moony: Now?

Prongs: Of course. No time like the present. Now who's willing to sacrifice a piece of parchment for this noble endeavor?

Moony: You know the word endeavor?

Prongs: My Great-Aunt Jemima sent me a dictionary for Christmas. Not my fault. But, moving on…

(Several hours later)

Padfoot: YAY! We're done. Just one more thing.

Moony: For the love of Merlin, what? It's 2:00 in the morning…

Padfoot: We need a password.

Prongs: Excellent idea. So gits like Snape can't use it.

Padfoot: Exactly.

Moony: How about " I solemnly swear I am up to no good" to open it.

Padfoot: I was going to suggest " Cake is life" but I suppose that one works just as well.

Prongs: And " Mischief managed!" to close it.

Padfoot: Again, I was going to put " Cake is life" on the table for discussion, but I suppose that one works too.

Moony: So, it's settled? We're done?

Prongs: Yes, yes, I suppose we are.

Padfoot: But since my passwords involving cake were rejected, can we go get some cake?

Prongs: Yes, I think we should. After all, we just saved the lives of future fellow mischief-makers. I do believe a reward is forthcoming.

Padfoot: Excellent. Let's go.

And with that, they set off down to the kitchens to retrieve some chocolate cake. Except Moony. Who, with a " Thank MERLIN", collapsed on his bed from sheer exhaustion, hardly noticing the vanilla cake Padfoot had smeared on his sheets only hours earlier.

A/N: Well, that was MY first chapter up...Danielle wrote the other two. R+R please!


	4. Have Some Soup

**Disclaimer: We don't own it. Otherwise, Padfoot and Prongs would still be alive. And so would Moony. But he still is. So yeah. And Wormtail wouldn't be. ThoughI suppose that would somewhat diminish the effect of the Boy Who Lived part of the story, huh? Oh well..**

**A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers! You're my FAVORITE people EVER!**

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**Have Some Soup**

**It was an average night in the Gryffindor common room. Three fifth years lounged around on couches near the fire. Moony was reading intently with a 4ft pile of books to his left. Wormtail was passed out in front of the fire. Padfoot was flicking lighted matches at Moony's books, in the offhanded hope one would catch fire.**

**Moony: where did you get the matches, Padfoot?**

**Padfoot: the same guy who gave me candy.**

**Moony: Merlin- didn't your parents ever teach you to run if someone tried to lure you into the car?**

**Padfoot: Nah, my mom told me to take the ride because I had no hope of doing well in life. **

**Moony: the mystery of Padfoot is beginning to unravel.**

**Padfoot: Prongs and I decided that we only get in the car if it's Laffy Taffy, Atomic fireballs, or chocolate.**

**Moony: How lovely. Prongs has been picked up too. **

**Prongs storms into the Common Room holding an empty bowl of soup and passed out Lily in his arms. **

**Moony: I see a story forming here. **

**Prongs: PADFOOT!**

**Padfoot, who is kneeling over the sleeping Wormtail and burning off his eyebrows, looks up. **

**Padfoot: Yep?**

**Prongs: first of all, I hit an all time low.**

**Moony: You took advice from Padfoot?**

**Prongs: No. Well, yes. But Lily turned me down in Spanish! **

**Moony: What did she say?**

**Prongs: consiga perdido, perdedor**

**Padfoot: Get lost loser! Ha. That IS funny!**

**Moony and Prongs stare. For a long time. A VERY long time. **

**Moony: Padfoot, do you know how to speak Spanish?**

**Padfoot: Duh. Who doesn't know how to?**

**Moony: well…me. And Prongs and Wormtail.**

**Padfoot: I'm smarterer than Moony! I knew this day would come!**

**Prongs: No you're not! Lily was supposed to fall in love with me, not pass out!**

**Moony: I told you. I DID see a story forming there. Please explain.**

**Prongs: Well, I wanted to have Lily fall in love with me, so I-**

**Moony: You asked PADFOOT? Merlin's beard! **

**Prongs: Shut up! I was desperate. So anyway, I asked Padfoot. So he told me to-**

**Padfoot: I told him to give Evans some spiked soup. **

**Moony: I am really starting to wonder why I hang out with you guys.**

**Padfoot: Because you have no other friends and all the big boys would beat you up on the playground. Now, shush, Auntie Padfoot is telling a story. Anyway, I concocted the soup myself and added love potion to the chicken noodle soup. It should have worked! Prongs, did Evans drink the whole bowl?**

**Prongs: Yeah, and the minute she finished I asked her out. She said no in Espanol, stood up, and passed out. **

**Padfoot: hmmm…unless. Quick Prongs, I had two pots of soup on my stove in the dormitory. Which one did you take?**

**Moony: Since when do we have an oven in our bedroom?**

**Prongs: Shut up. Um, I think I took the pot on the left because it was clam chowder, Evans' favorite.**

**Moony: You know her favorite SOUP?**

**Padfoot: You complete and total retard! The clam chowder was the knock out soup, the chicken noodle the love potion!**

**Prongs: Oh…when she will wake up?**

**Padfoot: hmmm…three, maybe eight days.**

**Prongs: WHAT? **

**Padfoot: It was a really strong batch mate. I gave the same to Wormtail, and he'll wake up in about an hour. A light sleeper, he is.**

**Moony: What kind of soup did you say it was?**

**Padfoot: Clam chowder. **

**Moony: Merlin. I had clam chowder at dinner! **

**Padfoot: Oh yeah…sometimes I sell my soup to the house elves. Whoops.**

**Moony: Yeah, whoops! ( He then passes out, muttering about killing Padfoot)**

**Prongs: what is that smell?**

**Padfoot: oooh! I almost forgot my batch of cookies! Who wants some?**

**Moony and Wormtail are both unconscious. **

**Prongs: I am never eating anything you cook again!**

**And with that Prongs threw Lily on the ground and strode out. A few minutes later, Lily wakes up.**

**Lily: Where am I?**

**Padfoot: You're in Never Land!**

**Lily: Oh. Well good night, Black.**

**Padfoot: buena noche, muchacha**

**Lily faints again. Wormtail regains consciousness.**

**Wormtail: why are my eyebrows gone?**

**Padfoot: Ask Prongs.**

**And with that, Padfoot strode to his bedroom to share his cookies with absolutely no one. **

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**A/N: You know you wanna leave a review. You know you wanna.**


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I finally sat down and wrote an update on this story... I know its been a long time. This chapter is rather short, but we have a few long ones on the way that are only half done, so I figured that a short chapter would be OK to fill in.

For people who read all our other stories: The Last of Lily Evans would be updated for the last time if Danielle wasn't too lazy to finish it. hehe.

All My Love, Lily- I sent the last chapter to Danielle, who's proofing it. Once she's done, it'll be posted as well.

I've decided to leave Learn to Love Again as a oneshot. For now at least. If I get a few ideas for it, I might post a couple other chapters. It all depends.

So, on with our update! ( to anyone wo's actually reading this lunacy!)

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Note thrown over some random Ravenclaw girls, two groups of Slytherins, and into a cauldron of bubbling green liquid before being fished out by Prongs

Padfoot: I'm bored. AGAIN. Do something interesting.

Prongs: I can't. I'm working on my essay. Besides, what happened last time you asked me to entertain you?

Padfoot: Don't you think this whole " impressing Lily by working" thing has gone a _little _too far?

Prongs: No. I think she's beginning to like- AHH! WHY DOES THAT BOY HAVE HIS ARM AROUND HER?

Moony: Because they're dating.

Prongs: How did YOU join in this conversation? Last I checked, you were busy stirring some cablamak…or something to that effect...into your _obviously perfect_ potion.

Moony: Well, the correct term is "caterpillar." But I understand that this whole "Lily is dating Amos Diggory" thing has obviously deleted whatever brain cells you had left.

Wormtail: So THAT'S his name. I always wondered…

Padfoot: Why didn't you just ask him?

Wormtail: Because he's relatively sinister looking. And, my, he's tall….

Prongs: He's 5'8. And ugly.

Padfoot: Well, look who knows Amos Diggory's height.

Wormtail: Yeah, Prongs, don't get too attached. He's taken, you know.

Prongs: Ha ha. You're all soooo hilarious. Now, where is Moony when you need him?

Moony: I'm right here. I was trying to take no notice of you after you brusquely insinuated that I wasn't entitled to unite in this exchange.

Padfoot: WHAT have I told you about using big words around us!

(bell rings)

Wormtail: Oh, thank Merlin. Let's get out of this dungeon.

Moony: That's MY line. And, yes, let's go. And grab Prongs before he strangles Amos. That's all we need right now is to prematurely begin his criminal record…

In the Common Room

Padfoot: PROOONNNGGSS! I brought you CHOCOLATE to cheer you up.

Prongs: Did you make it yourself?

Padfoot: Of cou- I mean, no, no, never. Not after that disastrous accident with Lily and the soup.

Prongs: Yeah right. Since I have no desire to die tonight from your lack of cooking skills, I think I'll just sit here and watch Lily and Amos study together.

Wormtail: Isn't that slightly stalkerish?

Prongs: NO! It's only out of concern for my beloved Lily. I just want to make sure she's happy.

Moony: Mmm hmm. I'm sure.

Prongs: His left index finger just moved slightly. I saw it. I'm sure of it.

Wormtail: I think we need to get him upstairs to the dormitory before he throws a temper tantrum like a two year old.

Moony: Wow. You had a good idea. That's twice in one day. Impressive, my friend.

Padfoot: How come no one ever tells me I have good ideas?

Prongs: Because you don't, Padfoot. You may be my best friend, but that doesn't mean you're particularly intelligent.

Padfoot: Yeah, welll…you thought a caterpillar was a cablamak!

Prongs: Shut up before I take out my wrath on you instead of Amos Diggory.

Padfoot: Sir, yes, sir!

In the Boy's Dormitory

Moony: Someone say something. Please.

Padfoot: The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

Moony: Why, oh why did I ask?

Padfoot: Because you love me and my random facts.

Moony: Sure, mm hmm. Believe whatever makes you happy in life, Padfoot.

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What did you think? Please

R

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And thanks again to Silver Ice- our one actual reviewer. We appreciate it!

-Kristen


	6. OWLS and SoupAgain

Disclaimer: I wish it was all mine…but it's not. So I have to deal. Oh, by the way. Some of this info is from The Sorcerer's Companion, by Allan Zola Kronzek & Elizabeth Kronzek. Good book- you should read it sometime.

A/N: By the way…during the following paragraphs, there's one with Padfoot outside the common room and then McGonagall starts talking to him. She was outside in the corridor…she didn't magically appear in the common room. It seemed kind of weird when I re-read it, and I didn't want to put an A/N in, because it kinda messed up the flow.

Thanks to all my reviewers! I hope you like this one! And for those of you who take/speak Spanish, try not to hunt me down and kill me if my Spanish makes no sense. I used the Internet to translate it. So if it's totally wrong…terribly sorry.

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It was the worst night of the year…. for some. And the most anxiety-causing night of the year…again for some. But how were our favorite Marauders reacting under the pressure of the last night before the dreaded O.W.L. exams? Let's find out…

Moony: I CAN'T MEMORIZE ALL OF THIS!! THE O.W.L.S ARE TOMORROW!! AHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Padfoot: Dear, dear Moony. Fret not. Tomorrow is just another seemingly endless round of examinations. You'll pass them with flying colors after studying for millions of hours because you're an obsessive-compulsive freak. Prongs and I will barely study at all, but we'll still pass with flying colors. Mostly because I like the color pink- it really is a good color. And Wormtail will fail miserably at them and cry for a couple of days. We've been through this before.

Prongs: I concur.

Moony: How do _you_ know the word concur?

Prongs: Remember the cursed dictionary…?

Moony: NO, I DON'T!! WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING?? DOES IT REALLY MATTER THAT ANCIENT DIVINATION SYSTEMS STILL EXISTED IN THE MIDDLE AGES?? HUH?? HUH?? DOES IT??

Padfoot: Someone's c-r-a-n-k-y.

Moony: I can SPELL!!

Prongs: He didn't say cranky. He said-um, he said- um, um- darn. Padfoot, you have to save yourself on this one.

Padfoot: I still have some soup left over from last time…..

Wormtail, Moony, and Prongs: NO!

Padfoot: Geez. I'm never trying to help any one of YOU again… I'm, in fact, going to do some last minute studying. So EXCUSE me.

Wormtail: Funny how he's headed in the direction of the kitchens, not the library.

Padfoot: I HEARD THAT, WORMTAIL!! I'M TAKING A SECRET PASSAGEWAY, DUH!

Professor McGonagall: What's this I hear about a secret passageway, Mr. Black?

Padfoot: Mesaber nada acerca clandestino pasillo.

Professor McGonagall: What are you babbling about, Mr. Black?

Padfoot: You mean you don't know Spanish? I'm smartererererer now!! Because I'm smarter than you and Moony.

Professor McGonagall: Who's Moony? Are you boys up to something?

Padfoot: Me? Up to something? Never. In fact, I'm just going to go study. You're delaying me. So, if I fail all my exams, I'll blame you. When I go live with my homeless friends, I'll tell everyone it was your fault. They'll snap your wand in half and tell you to go live with Petunia. Petunia is Lily's sister. You know Lily Evans, right? That's what I thought. So, anyways, I only know that because Prongs wants to know as much about Lily as possible. Geez. You think he'd give up? But Prongs is all, " NO!" And I'm all, "You sound kind of girly, man." And then he was all….

Prongs: SHUT UP!!

Padfoot: Whoa. When did you get out here?

Prongs: When Professor McGonagall ran away really fast because you were scaring her with your incessant babbling.

Padfoot: I scared Miss Minnie. Word.

Prongs: WHY am I friends with you?

Padfoot: Because you love me. And my…drum roll please…random facts!!

Prongs: NOO! Anything but the random facts again.

Padfoot: Fine. I'll tell you a joke then.

Prongs: I am so going to regret this.

Padfoot: Oh, you have no idea. Ready?

Prongs: Do I have a choice?

Padfoot: No. Knock knock?

Prongs: Who's there?

Padfoot: Rude interrupting cow.

Prongs: Rude interrup-

Padfoot: MOO!!!

Prongs: That's it. I'm leaving.

Padfoot: Fine. Be that way.

(Padfoot hums to himself as he skips to the kitchens)

Lily: Why are you skipping and humming down the halls? Shouldn't you be, oh I don't know, studying?

Padfoot: Lily my love! I'm getting food.

Lily: OK. Two things. 1: Never call me Lily my love. And-

Padfoot: You don't have an ego problem, do you?

Lily: Excuse me?

Padfoot: Well, you just called yourself Lily my love. So you love Lily. Lily is your one true love apparently. And that's not good. Because you have to love James forever and ever and ever and ever so you can have kids and name them ALL after me! And if you love only yourself that will never happen. I mean, GEEZ talk about self-centered. And BESIDES, you're not studying. So why should I be? I mean, it's just so not fair.

Lily: That's it. I'm leaving.

Padfoot: YES! You're marrying James. Because he just said the same thing two seconds ago. Which means you're soul mates. Your minds are linked. TOGETHER FOREVER!!!

Lily: If my mind is linked with Potter's, I have to go…die. Or sit in a closet. Anything to get away from you. And him. Bye.

Padfoot: But he's not here-

Prongs: Yes, I am.

Padfoot: You have GOT to stop that vanishing act you do.

Prongs: Yeah, well. Stop making soup and I'll try.

Padfoot: Ooooo, soup. Yum.

Prongs: NOOO!!!

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Good? Bad? Please leave a review.

-Kristen


	7. Padfoot Takes the Cake

Padfoot Takes the Cake 

All four marauders are lounging around the fire. Oh, not the Gryffindor fire. Padfoot took them to meet a couple of his friends, which turned out to be hobos. So the four marauders were gathered around a lighted trashcan in an alley in London.

**Moony: Let's kill him. **

**Prongs: Let's. **

**Moony: What kind of lethal weapons do you have with you mate?**

**Prongs: Hmmm…a pointy stick thing, and my singing valentine card that I need to give Lily.**

**Moony: Prongs?**

**Prongs: Yeah mate?**

**Moony: that 'pointy stick' is your wand.**

**Prongs: Ahhhh…I can see that….**

**Padfoot: It looks like Jimmy and Sean aren't home.**

**Moony: Remind me again how you met a pair of hobos?**

**Padfoot: It involved a pack of vicious hounds and my pet squirrel, Greg, which survived the accident only to be eaten by my grandma Black's pet ostrich. **

**Moony: Stop reminding me. **

**Wormtail: Did you say they LIVE here?**

**Padfoot: Dude- they're hobos. Enough said. **

**Moony: DUDE?**

**Padfoot: It's a word I invented. Someday it will be famous. **

**Moony: Please forgive me for highly doubting that. **

**Padfoot: I have another reason for bringing you here.**

**Moony: What? So we can freeze to death in an alley, just so Johnny and Sheen can eat us and take all our valuables?**

**Prongs: And my pointy stick thing!**

**Wormtail: It's a WAND! A WAND!!!!**

**Padfoot: SHUT UP! All of you, you stupid English pigs! I spit in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elder berries!**

**Moony: You're English too, Sirius.**

**Prongs: He just quoted Monty Python! **

**Padfoot: LET ME TALK! I decided I don't want to be a wizard. **

**All three: WHAT?**

**Padfoot: Muggle children get to choose. They can be doctors, or hobos, or plumbers or Goths!**

**Moony: I don't think a hobo is a very promising career.**

**Padfoot: I decided I want to be a firefighting, horseback riding, supermarket managing, playwright!**

**Prongs: I don't believe silence is the best answer. No- Padfoot needs a good, solid pounding. **

**Padfoot: You wouldn't dare. **

**Prongs: Oh, I would.**

**One fist fight later, in which both sixteen year old wizards forgot to use their pointy stick things, during which Moony rolled his eyes repeatedly, and during which Wormtail shouted repeatedly, "YOUR WANDS! Use your-( sigh) forget it," both boys sat on the ground, covered in various wounds and third degree burns. **

**Padfoot: We could have kept fighting if we hadn't rolled into the trashcan and caught fire. **

**Prongs: I'm sorry, mate. I got carried away. I'll help you try muggle careers.**

**Moony: I won't. **

**Padfoot: You know those cookies at the feast, Moony? The ones with butterscotch and marshmallow?**

**Moony: You didn't.**

**Padfoot: They were full of a curse, which, once swallowed, means you have to help me or you die. **

**Moony: I am thinking three things right now. 1) No wonder those stupid cookies gave me a toothache, 2) Why Padfoot is failing potions, since he obviously knows how to concoct potions when he needs to poison someone, and 3) I really should have left you burning in garbage and aluminum. **

**Padfoot: I love you too. **

Later on at Hogwarts 

**Wormtail: Why is Padfoot sobbing hysterically in our room?**

**Prongs: He's trying out being a playwright, so I guess he must be writing a really sad story or something. **

**Moony: Or I got rid of the stove I found in my closet. How could I have missed that for six years?**

**Prongs: The same way you ignored the ant farm in your sock drawer. **

**Moony: What ant farm?**

**Prongs: Oh! Er, who said anything about an ant farm? What is an ant farm, any way, he he. (Clears throat nervously) Hm? What's up, Jacob? Be right over!**

**Moony: There is obviously a conspiracy against me. **

**Padfoot skips down the stairs, a large stack of paper clutched in his hands.**

**Moony: Is there an ant farm in my sock drawer, Padfoot?**

**Padfoot turns to James, who is hiding inside the fireplace. **

**Padfoot: YOU TOLD HIM?**

**Prongs yelps in surprise and stumbles backwards, accidentally lighting the stack of wood on fire. Amid Prongs' shrieks for help, Padfoot turns to Moony. **

**Padfoot: I wrote a play! **

**Moony reads the play from front to back.**

**Moony: This is horrible. **

**Padfoot: You…you…you don't like it?**

**Moony: No! It hurts me to read it! Garbage! It doesn't even have a title! **

**Padfoot: Yes it does. I'm going to call it the English Patient. **

**Moony: What kind of name is that, honestly Padfoot?**

**Padfoot sighs. **

**Padfoot: Just magic it away, then. **

**Moony produces a quick spell, and sends it far away, into the lap of a writer and producer in a slum. **

**Producer: What's this? I wonder if this will be any good….**

Later Later on at a stable in London 

Moony: This place smells funny.

**Padfoot: That's the smell of success!**

**The four marauders walk into the stable. **

**Padfoot: Look at this place! I can't wait to start my new life as a veterinarian! **

**Moony: Do you mean equestrian? **

**Padfoot: Right. Let's get started! **

**Padfoot walks over to a stall.**

**Padfoot: look at this thing! Such beauty! Such grace! **

**Moony: What are you doing Padfoot?**

**Padfoot: Getting closer, silly. **

**Moony: Do I need to remind you that you are afraid of horses and clowns?**

**Padfoot: I'm perfectly fine! **

**Padfoot steps inside the stall. **

**Padfoot: W-w-what are you d-d-doing? S-s-stay b-b-back! **

**The horse whinnies, then chomps at his shirt. **

**Padfoot: Ah! Stay back! Stay back! **

**He runs out of the barn screaming. **

**Wormtail: Well we all knew that was gonna happen. Who wants to play Hungry Hungry Hippos? **

Later Later Later on at a supermarket in London 

Wormtail: How the heck did I end up here?

Padfoot: Since playwright didn't work, I'm going to try out being a cashier!

Prongs: (through a thick layer of gauze wrapped around his entire body on his burns) I have a feeling this won't workout.

Moony: Do you even know HOW to use Muggle money and cash registers?

Padfoot: Of course I do! Let's get started! (Wearing his blue uniform and the 'Hello! My name is Sirius the Great' button he steps behind the counter)

A random woman walks up with her groceries.

Random: Hi, um Sirius? (Pronounces very badly) is this dressing on sale?

Padfoot: Why not? Sure, it is!

Random: Okay. (Shoves cart forward and steps back. Sirius hums, and smiles at her expectantly)

Random: aren't you going to scan them?

Sirius: Me? Uh…uh…sure, sure…just um…just hold on here while I get this uh…this…scanner thing…um…is this it? (Holds up pen)

Random: No.

Sirius: Ohhh-kay…this…this here is it!

R: Uhuh.

Sirius scans items, squints at screen, and says:

Er, that will be three seven sentence mark thingy and four five…Ma'm!

R: You mean $37.45 cents?

Sirius: Uh…yeah.

Random woman hands Sirius two twenties. He hands her back an $100 pound note.

Sirius: Have a good day!

Later Later Later Later on in a car in London

Padfoot: I can't believe the manager fired me! I was doing a great job!

Moony: Except for handing a woman sixty extra dollars back.

Prongs: (who is now in a wheelchair after a mishap in aisle seven) Listen to the radio!

Announcer Guy: a raging fire is now sweeping West St. in London. All firefighters are needed urgently.

Padfoot: I can finally fulfill my destiny as a fire fighter! Let's go! (Starts driving towards the fire, exclaiming excitedly, "Thank goodness for horrible fires that kill many!")

Moony: (After narrowly missing a girl scout) Who decided to let him drive?

The marauders pull up onto the street of the huge fire. Padfoot takes one look at the burning building and the screams of terror and decides:

Yeah, I'd rather not go in there. Um…who wants to go home now?

Later Later Later Later Later on driving through London ( Moony's in charge)

**Padfoot: I failed at everything! I don't succeed in anything! I should…just…go die. (Sobs)**

**Prongs: It's okay, Pads. I still love you. **

**Padfoot: But that's not enough. It's just not- Oooh! A cake store! Stop, Moony, STOP! **

**Wormtail: That took a lot of time to cheer up. **

THE END.


End file.
